March to Mania · Pro Wrestling

MARCH TO ‘MANIA: Could I skip this one? I guess not

Wrestlemania 9. I wish I had something nice to say here, but I don’t.

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Wrestlemania 9 (Results)

Date: April 4, 1993

Arena: Caesars Palace outdoor venue (Las Vegas, NV)

Attendance: 16,891

SUMMARY: Yokuzuna wins the Royal Rumble, the first year where a title shot is handed to the winner of the event, and takes on Bret Hart for the title. Money Inc. (Ted DiBiase and Irwin R. Schyster) broke Brutus Beefcake’s nose, prompting Hulk Hogan to come out of his exile to help his good friend for the tag team titles. Giant Gonzalez debuted at the Royal Rumble and started a program with the Undertaker.

MY ENJOYMENT RATING: F-minus

FAVORITE MATCH: Shawn Michaels vs. Tatanka. When in doubt, just pick Shawn Michaels.

THINGS THAT MADE ME NOD IN APPROVAL: The show was less than three hours long. Jim Ross’ first Wrestlemania. Bobby Heenan on a camel going backwards.

THINGS THAT MADE ME LOWER HEAD IN SHAME: Where do I begin? The matches were boring. I don’t know a nicer way to put it. They lacked intensity. They lacked cohesion. They lacked crowd heat. Because this card had so much that made me lower my head in shame I’m going to break it down by match:

  • Tatanka vs. Shawn Michaels: Nothing went wrong here. Other than the ending which was confusing because you didn’t know that Shawn was in danger of being counted out. The match was also marred by the overarching cloud of Luna vs. Sherri.
  • Steiner Brothers vs. Headshrinkers: An uneventful match that went far too long. I can’t imagine a 14-minute Steiner Brother match with guys who weren’t up to work at an elevated level. There was nothing special about this one.
  • Doink the Clown vs. Crush: Two Doinks take out Crush. Yay! Bill Alfonso comes down to the try and find the second Doink under the ring, but to no avail.
  • Razor Ramon vs. Bob Backlund: If I didn’t write this in, you’d think this match didn’t exist.
  • Money Inc. vs. Mega Manaics: Brutus’ mask. Hogan’s black eye. The referee having some ridiculous power that says he can award titles to another team if the champions lose via count out. The in-ring action was disjointed. The ending where Hulk Hogan uses Brutus’ “titanium” mask and we have no insight on who disqualified the team, but “Finkus Maximus” announces it that way.
  • Lex Luger vs. Mr. Perfect: Average, but bland.
  • The Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez: ‘Taker wins via DQ due the use of Chloroform by the Giant Gonzalez. That’s all you really need to know. I don’t even want to talk about Giant Gonzalez’s costume.
  • Yokuzuna vs. Bret Hart: Nothing terrible. Just forgettable.
  • Yokuzuna vs. Hulk Hogan: If I were Yokuzuna, I’d be pissed at Mr. Fuji. He signs me up for a title match against a fresh guy. Then he throws salt into my eyes. What a doof. These guys are the dumbest heels ever. Oh, and Hogan wins the belt again.

See? There’s so much bad, that it’s covered by this site.

RANDOM THOUGHT: “Is it over yet?”

MY ULTIMATE WRESTLEMANIA CARD RANKING: WORST. WRESTLEMANIA. EVER. I’m done talking about it.

  1. Wrestlemania 7 (Review)
  2. Wrestlemania 5 (Review)
  3. Wrestlemania 6 (Review)
  4. Wrestlemania 3 (Review)
  5. Wrestlemania 2 (Review)
  6. Wrestlemania 4 (Review)
  7. Wrestlemania 8 (Review)
  8. Wrestlemania 1 (Review)
  9. Wrestlemania 9
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